last sunday in the park....*tear*

today was my last sunday in the park, and it was a dissapointment. i wanted too much. i wanted to get so much accpmplished i wanted to take advantage of the entire day. i wanted to talk to every one, take photos of everything i saw, i wanted to draw, i wanted to sit and watch the cute kid play the drums with his group, i wanted to sit and just talk with him, i wanted to sit on the lawn surrounded by others drinking chinarrão and pass the cuia with some friends.......
so what did i actually do: i headed to the park around 3pm....walked around took some pictures, said hi to the austrailian hippi on my way by, talked to marleane in the brique, returned home took a nap, returned around 5:30, walked and walked around and around looking for a fmailiar face or a new person to interview for my project. I watched a capoeira group with children and adults performing. i ended up sitting in the european recanto, and did not realize when i sat down that the cute boy in the drum group was sitting on the lawn before me. i sat down and wrote in my journal a bit and drew a scketch of the capoiera group from my photos. Then I looked up and saw that he was there right in front of me and he looked my way. So when he caught my eye I went right over to him and explained about my project rather awkwardly and told him i had already talked to luciana.
i was utterly unimpressive and i was utterly dissapointed with myself. I started to ask him if i could interview him and then said ok well what do you think.....and he responded "oh you want me to talk already" i wasnt really clear about what i wanted him to respond to. And i didn't really explain my project theme. i was feeling really unprepared. after he talked for a little while, he talked really fast too and though i understood him it flustered me. then he stopped and eagerly said "ask me more ask me more" and i lamely responded "well i dont know...." why wasnt i better prepared? i had laid out questions earlier to ask him and then forgot when i was sitting before him actually talking to him. I guess he would just take my first question and roll with it. it began weakly and ended weakly.
and afterwards i wandered around some more, actually asked one vendor if i could interview him, but the man was obviously crazy or just really evasive, so that flopped. then after wandering around the park some more i passed rita and friends.....i was about to continue on my way home but I was desperate to have company and reamin in the park so i stayed with them in the park till dusk.
it was the only saving grace for the day, except even then it was with peopel i dont particularly mesh with, they are part of the "too cools" here. but at least i got to sit and drink some chima with them on the lawn and listen to the drums.
so many hopes and so many dissapointments. but ive learned it is better to hope and be dissapointed than to never hope or expect any thing good to pass. I used to live like this. If i never expect any thing particularly good to happen I wont be dissapointed when it doesnt happen or when it isnt as great as i had hoped. Of course i can also always be looking for the good in everything despite that which was lacking. The glass is ever in a balance of being full/empty. with the glass of life: rarely is it ever completely full or completely empty.

what am i talking about sometimes i swear, im full of bobagem(bullshit, nonsense, rubbish). Everything is bobagem. my project, design, architecture. Life just IS. why do we need to try and analyse it and tear it into distinct nad simple parts only to put the parts back together to try and achieve a similance of complex interrealtions that in truth we will never understand? let it just BE.