premature saudades

Darn it, why does my heart feel so heavy and my gut wrench like this. i told my self i would wait untill i left to mourn. but i guess my body didnt listen to me. I already feel like i left. i already don't give a damn about any work i do for classes here. i am stalling for the inevitable time, wasting time i should be writting, cranking out my report.

Any time now the tears are going to start falling. im getting that horrible choked up feeling, the tickling in m,y nose, the tingling in my cheeks, that feeling that refuses to slacken untill i finally let the tears out.

But dang it i'm still here, and I refuse to cry over leaving untill I'm actually gone. I can look out my window and see Redenção, i can see the tops of the palm trees blowing in the wind, and feel the hot air from the wind hit my face from the window, as the weaker cool gust of the fan pats my back. i can still taste the mango from this morning, and hear the call of the birds from the roof. i can still touch Porto Alegre and feel her in my hands. I'm here, I'm still here, I haven't left yet. Not yet.