thanksgiving feasts

my frist thanks giving feast was with the missionaries from church. The missionariy couple invited me and the american elders over for pizza and guarana. Noooot exactly the traditional americn feast but the company was perfect. Five americans laughing and joking, it was so nice to laugh like that. It's so hard to understand a foreign sense of humor.

The pictures of the sun set just dont do the real thing justice, but of course i try.



My second thanksgiving feast was with the boss in the office where the missionaries work and where I volunteer.


Turkey at Humberto's

And best of all of course was churrasco at the Rovati's.

premature saudades

Darn it, why does my heart feel so heavy and my gut wrench like this. i told my self i would wait untill i left to mourn. but i guess my body didnt listen to me. I already feel like i left. i already don't give a damn about any work i do for classes here. i am stalling for the inevitable time, wasting time i should be writting, cranking out my report.

Any time now the tears are going to start falling. im getting that horrible choked up feeling, the tickling in m,y nose, the tingling in my cheeks, that feeling that refuses to slacken untill i finally let the tears out.

But dang it i'm still here, and I refuse to cry over leaving untill I'm actually gone. I can look out my window and see Redenção, i can see the tops of the palm trees blowing in the wind, and feel the hot air from the wind hit my face from the window, as the weaker cool gust of the fan pats my back. i can still taste the mango from this morning, and hear the call of the birds from the roof. i can still touch Porto Alegre and feel her in my hands. I'm here, I'm still here, I haven't left yet. Not yet.

last sunday in the park....*tear*

today was my last sunday in the park, and it was a dissapointment. i wanted too much. i wanted to get so much accpmplished i wanted to take advantage of the entire day. i wanted to talk to every one, take photos of everything i saw, i wanted to draw, i wanted to sit and watch the cute kid play the drums with his group, i wanted to sit and just talk with him, i wanted to sit on the lawn surrounded by others drinking chinarrão and pass the cuia with some friends.......
so what did i actually do: i headed to the park around 3pm....walked around took some pictures, said hi to the austrailian hippi on my way by, talked to marleane in the brique, returned home took a nap, returned around 5:30, walked and walked around and around looking for a fmailiar face or a new person to interview for my project. I watched a capoeira group with children and adults performing. i ended up sitting in the european recanto, and did not realize when i sat down that the cute boy in the drum group was sitting on the lawn before me. i sat down and wrote in my journal a bit and drew a scketch of the capoiera group from my photos. Then I looked up and saw that he was there right in front of me and he looked my way. So when he caught my eye I went right over to him and explained about my project rather awkwardly and told him i had already talked to luciana.
i was utterly unimpressive and i was utterly dissapointed with myself. I started to ask him if i could interview him and then said ok well what do you think.....and he responded "oh you want me to talk already" i wasnt really clear about what i wanted him to respond to. And i didn't really explain my project theme. i was feeling really unprepared. after he talked for a little while, he talked really fast too and though i understood him it flustered me. then he stopped and eagerly said "ask me more ask me more" and i lamely responded "well i dont know...." why wasnt i better prepared? i had laid out questions earlier to ask him and then forgot when i was sitting before him actually talking to him. I guess he would just take my first question and roll with it. it began weakly and ended weakly.
and afterwards i wandered around some more, actually asked one vendor if i could interview him, but the man was obviously crazy or just really evasive, so that flopped. then after wandering around the park some more i passed rita and friends.....i was about to continue on my way home but I was desperate to have company and reamin in the park so i stayed with them in the park till dusk.
it was the only saving grace for the day, except even then it was with peopel i dont particularly mesh with, they are part of the "too cools" here. but at least i got to sit and drink some chima with them on the lawn and listen to the drums.
so many hopes and so many dissapointments. but ive learned it is better to hope and be dissapointed than to never hope or expect any thing good to pass. I used to live like this. If i never expect any thing particularly good to happen I wont be dissapointed when it doesnt happen or when it isnt as great as i had hoped. Of course i can also always be looking for the good in everything despite that which was lacking. The glass is ever in a balance of being full/empty. with the glass of life: rarely is it ever completely full or completely empty.

what am i talking about sometimes i swear, im full of bobagem(bullshit, nonsense, rubbish). Everything is bobagem. my project, design, architecture. Life just IS. why do we need to try and analyse it and tear it into distinct nad simple parts only to put the parts back together to try and achieve a similance of complex interrealtions that in truth we will never understand? let it just BE.

sad, tired and lonely

Por que? so cuando estou encontrando tantos pesoas quois eu quero conhecer melhor....eu preciso sair.
Não da sufficient tempo para fazer tudo que eu quero.
Não da sufficiente tempo para ver tudos lugares eu quiero conhecer....e não da sufficients dinhero.

Fernando, Emerson, Isabel, Jaqueline, Rita, Vitor, Isadora, Lucas, Marleni, Josey.....
Cinema, Baile, Viajar, visitar amigos, jantar com paes, intrevistas, futbol, por do sol no gasometro....
Farroupilha, Caxias, Itapua, Iguaçu, Buenos Aeires, Montevideo, Amazonas....

Acho que vou me deixar muitas desculpas para voltar....

this one's dedicated...

Well even though I have yet to begin putting my study report together, I have worked out a draft of mt dedication page. And it goes something like this....

This work is dedicated to all of my beloved friends from Brasil; without whom this work would be quite meaningless to me. Because of you I have found my self belonging and feeling attatched to Porto Alegre. I have felt that I was and an a part of your community. We have found each other in Redenção and we talked of life, culture, philosphy, nothing and everything.
This is dedicated in particular to Fabricio. You provided me with a much needed forum; a place to talk about my project and allow it to grow and develop. You cannot know how much you have helped me.

Esse trabalho e dedicado aos todos meus queridos amigos brasileiros, sem quais, esse trabalho estará sem significado para mim. Por causa de vocês me encontrava sentindo que eu pertenço, e que eu estava ligado a Porto Alegre. Eu sentia como uma parte de sua comunidade. Nos encontramos na Redenção e nos falávamos sobre vida, cultura, filosofia, nada e tudo.
Esse e dedicado a Fabrício em particular. Tu me proveu com um fórum necessário; um lugar para falar sobre meu projeto e ceda ele crescer y desenvolver. Tu não pode entender quanto que me ajudava.

This gets me thinking...maybe if i get my report written before I leave I can see about having Bettina help me translate it.......?????

bummed out, tired, and sad

Well after practically doing nothing productive over the last two weeks, this weekend has been filled....i'be been on the go from the time I wake to the time I get home again. And I actually like it. I felt so engergized yet tired from the running around.
It was a good thing I kept myself buisy out in the park cause Rita had her friends over all weekend, and last night as I was in bed the girls were getting ready for a party. And I didn't really mind there noise but Rita really bugged me when she kept reminding them to be quite cause she would be louder and more annoying than they were.
And todayI came in from a long day out in the park, and ready to settle down and relax for a little while....and the house was full of peopel. Well, it was only four or five girls but it's a small apartment. And i realized today how much it bothers me everytime Rita has her friends over. Cause they take over the house and they always tend to be here on days I'd actually like to work on the table and or use the computer......grrr.
So at last the house is empty, and I checked my email.......nothing. I don't know how many emails I've written over the last week but I don't think I've gotten an email from anyone in the last week. And I'm really bummed out about that for some reason.
I'm even more sad that I only have four more sundays here. Sundays are my favorite days. Church all morning and Park all afternoon. And if I'm lucky the next four saturdays will be nice so there will be lots of peopel out then as well.
I don't want to leave Porto Alegre!

chimarrão

A gaúcho drinking chimarrão from a cuia.


Chimarrão (shi-ma-haow with a nasaly aow), is a hot tea like beverage from the powdery substance of ground leaves of erva mate (ma-chay). In other places the tea is drank cold and sometimes it is sweetened. The gaúcho, aka Porto-Alegrerian, drinks it hot and plane. There are different types of mate blends some stronger than others. (i like the "pure leaf" my self its a nice mild flavor).
Chimarrão is drunk out of a cuia, which is made from a hollowed out gourd. And drank with a metal straw called a bomba.
There is a process and ritual to preparing and sharing chimarrão. I have learned that everyone had their one theory or rules on how it ought to be prepared. But there are some generaly accepted ritual rules. It is generaly a social practice, shared between friends, family, acquiantances, neighbors.... The owner of the cuia will drink the first cuia then refill it and hand it to another in the group. That person will then drink the entire cuia, and hand it back to the owner to be refilled and passed to another.
Many gaúchos tend to have these special carrying cases for the chimarrão paraphernalia, a pouch for the hot water thermos, the cuia and bomba, and the bag of erva mate. This makes it easier for it to be carried to the park, where poeple tend to go, especially on sundays, and sit on the lawn drinking chimarrão.

To see some pictures documenting the process:
http://www.das.ufsc.br/~emerson/chimarrao/

trains planes and automobiles

Thats it im staying here in Porto Alegre..................i'll mail my project home, and my chirstmas gifts, and drop out of school, unless they let me graduate with what coursework I have completed.

Well here's my tentative intinerary.... it's loucura i tell you pure loucura:

Dec 12th depart São Paulo 11:35pm via American Airlines
Dec 13th arrive JFK, New York 6:02am

Dec 13th depart JFK 9:50am via Jet Blue
Dec 13th arrive Syracuse 10:55am

Drop off some luggage, and hand in my project (if its completed), spend some time with the Dippolds and Syracuse buddies that are in 'Cuse still.

Dec 14th depart Syracuse 10:30am via Greyhound
Dec 14th arrive Buffalo 1:45pm -or- Springville 3:15pm

Dec 14th HOME in Arcade

Dec 15th head Hamburg for Dermotologist appointment, via car
(hopefully I am able to borrow the van)
Dec 15-17th Spend some time with Deven and friends
Dec 17th Return to Arcade

Dec 22nd overnight my final project to 'Cuse if it had not been finished and handed in

Dec 17th-Dec 24th Get fat on Dads pre-christmas backing frenzy
Dec 25th-Jan 16th go through withdrawl from lack of sugar

Dec 17th-Jan 16th Work at the Cabbage Factory???

Jan 16th depart Buffalo via Amtrak
Jan 16th Arrive in Syracuse

Jan 17th Begin Classes

May 14th Graduation

and then...................................QUEM SABE?, eu só se que vou tem saudades pra Porto Alegre =~

running in the rain

Ah i love rain storms. Tonight I was at the barquitecture, i went alone sure to find friends. The first two I found were Tina and Julia, friends of Rita. And soon I also spotted some girls I recongnized from Caca's birthday party including little miss Liv Tyler who Fabricio made out with. Then I round Raquel in the bathroom, found Bianca working at the bar, found Raquel, Fernanda, her sis Manta?, and Bruno, I found Chavero Patricia's friend, And Lisa found me. She was there with her friend/boyfriend Frank from NY. He is visiting her this week. We werent sure how to greet it was an awkward combination of a handshake and kisses on the cheek.
I kept coming accross this other kid, who I have never met but I recognize. The first time I recall seeing him was the day Matt was here and we watched him and others play the drums. Then I saw him again on campus and again tonight. We probably made eye contact at least three times. And when I saw hi yet again I was about to tell Lisa I wanted to go talk to him when I felty a big fat rain drop fall on my head. The thought came into my head to just start running for home, head into the lounge. After seeing him, this guy whoever he is, bolt for it, I told Lisa nad Bianca I was going and with everyone else just started running. It was a funny sight to see, this little crowd suddenly scatter in every direction. I lingered under the viadoct and then when I realized that I would get soaked no matter what I decided to enjoy my run in the rain. I arrived at the gate soaking wet and left a river of puddles behind me. The door man and a woman at the lobby, chuckled as I went past with a grin of childish delight and a sheepish "oi!"

two dreams about leaving porto alegre

Last month I had a dream I had to leave Porto Alegre. In fact this was a dream within a dream. I was on the airplane back to the US with Maia and Sharon and lelling them about a dream I had. In the dream (within the dream) Maia and I were headed to a city north of here for some sort of field trip to see the construction of an apartment building. We took a tour of one apartment. It was definitely a different construction method: everything was build and finished, walls, floor cieling, except there were no doors or windows and they were in the process of cutting out the windows and doors and cutting away from the counter to put in the sink, fridge etc.... Well then we were outside sitting on a lawn in a group discussion and Lendro begins talking about plans to move and all the arrangements had been set....he planned for Maia and I to move here and leave Porto Alegre. He and Maia agreed it would be a good experience to know another city within in Brasil, but I was crying I didn't want to leave, how could he make me leave without telling me! I woke up distraught and then relieved to find that Iwas in fact still here in Porto Alegre. Ahhhh I don't want to leave!
The second dream I had, I was in a classroom and it was presentation time. I was talking to Jon about Switzerland, and Jeremy about Australia. AHHHH and there is Sammy, coming over, we did't need to say anything he just held open his arms as he walked my way and I gave him a great nig hug. I was so happy to see him. I had some paper before me, trying to prepare something for my presentation. I wasnt prepared to present anything, but then I remembered I was still in Brasil, ah well then I wont prepare anything I have time yet, I'll just enjoy everyone elses presentations or just sit here and talk to Sammy.

outings with my brasilain friends

My first day of class I noticed Fabrico, he was sitting right in front of me, and something quietly told me that I would be his friend. And Raquel and Alexandre as well. She had brought her cuia and thermos and was sharring her chimarrão with Fabricio and Alexandre (he went to penn state two years ago). Then a few weeks after there was the welcome back churrasco at Leandros (my professor). No, Fabrico wasnt there but thats the nght Maia and I went out to Cidade Baixa with Alexandre and Felipi. (That was the night we came across a crowd of Argentinians and I ended up going home after feeling overwhelmingly alone and without anyone to talk to in english, portugues or spanish.)

So because we were now buddies with Alexandre and Felipi thats how Fabricio was included in our outting groups. One day, I believe it was a tuesday night, yes the day before a holiday, (as always, why are all holidays on a wednesday, makes sence it makes the week go by much nicer)Felipi invited Maia over for creps, and by extention i was invited as well. Directly after class we all headed to Felipi's apartment. That was a fun evening. At his house we met a german guy, an italian girl, an australian girl, I think another nationality was represented...and a few other brasilains were there of course. Around 2am i think, we headed for cidade baixa. We ended up going to MrDam a fun dance club.

Next, don't remember exactly what came next, probably the free show at Opinião, Mundo Livre. A tuesday night show, free for students with a kilo of food. After we went to o Forte a sweet little dico bar, and the singer from the band showed up there later as well. Then there was another churrasco at Leandro's when Matt was here. And it ended up being Matt, Leandro, Eber (that makes three professors) Jeniffer, some other girl a past student of Leandro's, Maia, Fabricio and me. Jeniffer told us aboutthis palce for indian food, and we made plans to go for lunch.

So the day of the lunch outing arrived, and Jeniffer called to say that she would not be making it due to her mountain of work to prepare. And since Felipi cancled as well it was down to the two American students and Fabricio. The food was awesome so was the conversation. We talked, of other things, our dissatisfation with school, work, system of capitalism and democracy, lif in general and so many other things. After we mutualy decide to head to the park. I needed to read Jane Jacobs, Maia needed to work on her journal, and Fabricio needed to sleep, as he'd been up getting his project done. We picked out a place to sit and I had this odd feeling of self-awareness, seeing myself, our group, as I see other groups of friends sitting on the lawn.....hmmm how form relates to communiy use and activities....

Well after an hour of sleep, Fabricio woke up and I tell him he has two more hours left of sleep. But he didn't go back to sleep and after a little while we all headed in our own directions.
The very next day I headed to the park after class, not sure if i wanted to stay and work or walk through and head home for lunch. Well there on one of my becnhes of choice was Fabricio. The conversation didnt get far before once again he delcared "your good to me" Apparently he was feeling upset and could really use someone to just talk to. He was feeling angst. The next two hours passed before I knew it. It was probably one of the nicest, satisfying conversations I've had in a while, possible ever.

And I guess it was since then that I knew he'd be a dear friend. In class I found my self listening to everything he said with intent, though most of the time I had no idea what he was saying (he along with alexandre and bruno (the sweet carioka) are the three active participants of the class). Bruno also has a special place in my heart, Maia and I agree he is probably the sweetest person we've ever met, a very loving guy.

The next outing was another free tuesday night show. That day i had made Fabricio a gag gift: fake tattoos. Part of the conversation, the other day, was about his arguemnt with his mom about his birthday present,. she wanted him to buy a jacket and its spring now and unnecessary, so he thought a tattoo would be nice--he agreed, it was really juvenile but the principle was that she wanted to give him a gift that made her happy, not him). OK so I was able to give it to him the next day after Jeniffers presentation, and the response on his face was perfect, it was a mixture of surprise, humor and appreciation. "adorei/I love it."

feeling it, feeling like i belong....

when did it happen, when was the moment or series of moments that lead to how I feel now? Feeling like I belong, feeling in love, in love with porto alegre and with life, feeling more than I think I've ever felt in my life. I had planned on keeping a daily journal while I was here to record and doucment my transitions from outsider, stranger, to adjusting, familiarizing, to belonging. But of course as all of the best laid plans of mice and men....life is what happens while we're buisy making other plans. And I have been living. I have been living here more than I had back at "home." If you can call a bed to crash on, or a room in your parents house-where you only visit on holidays- a home.

Perhaps it feels more like home because I can walk around the block to get groceries every day or every other day; I can go around the block to the cinema to see a film alone on occassion, I have had my pants mended at the alterior two blocks down; I like the little cafe down on Republica; I can sit infront of the tv knitting, or read with the radio on; I hang my clothes out to dry on the line; I can take a walk in my park and always be sure to find someone to talk to, whether it be a friend, classmate, aquaintance or stranger. Maybe it is because I have been accepted on many levels as someone that does belong and is welcome. Maybe it is because I go out two, three, four times a week, because I can go out on a tuesday night with my buddies. Maybe it is because I am emotionaly wrapped up in Brasil.

Whatever it is I don't want to leave this place, nor these peopel because I feel like I belong here. I have an attatchment to this place like I've never felt to any other place before. Life makes sence here, poeple love to do the thinks I love to do here. They go to the park on sunny days with friends or family, or they go hoping to find/make a friend. They go to sit and watch life walk by. They go out with their friends, they welcome more friends, the live in the streets, talking to their friends all night.

There is something about the chimarrão too. Everyone drinks the chimarrão, you see them with their cuia and thermos. The young, the teen, the punks, the hippies, the traditional Gaúchos, the young lovers, the old couple, the mother and daughter, the father and son, the group of friends on the lawn, the group of old cronies on the bench, the family on lawn chairs, the old ladies with their hand knitted thermos covering, the middle aged men with their leather carryig case, the young child with here mini cuia. Just as there is a type of cuia for everyone, there is a place in the park for everyone. The punks hang out by the gand monument, a sea of black as you enter. The hippies selling their wares hang out by the european garden, the lovers are in the fountain garden. The dogs are on the south west lawn. There are elderly men playing games in the culteral hall, there are futbol teams on the field, people shopping in the brique, kids in the amusment park. Every weekend is a holiday fesival with clowns, baloons, cotton candy, bubbles, toys, trinkets, rides, games and fun. There is sure to be a show, event, parade, demonstation.

I can say I want to come back, but will I really ever have the chance to come back? I know as way leads on to way I may never be able to make it back to this place. And just like the proverbial paths, even if I should find myself here again someday it will not be the same. It will be a different time with different people, and I will be different.

"the world is a peanut" -elvis-

So, tonight Maiazinha and I went out to MrDam for a festa de aniversario de Elvis, a friend/namorado of Clarisi. First of all, the place looked totally different from what I remembered. When I left it the last time, we had to steer clear of the floor board that finaly broke, the entire place seemed like this crazy hole in the wall, like some renovated house that was falling apart, and packed with people. When we arrived this time it was empty, seemed a bit brighter and the entire hardwood floor seemed new-well at least in good shape. I was actually expecting to see a hole in the floor or an obvious patch-up job, but no it looked like there had nevere been a loose board.
Around 1:30 or so, we headed downstairs to dance. It was sort of happening, but not like the night we came with Fabricio, Alexandre and Felipi. And there were alot of middle aged peopele there. We headed to the back corner where it was less crowded and set up or mini circle. I cute boy with a "Italio" shirt started talking to Clarisi and I saw here shaking here finger and her head. I assumed he had asked her to dance or maybe even beijar, though that was more common in Salvador than here. Well he left and as I saw him making his way back Clarisi tells us "I have a surprise for you..." And there was Lisa, Troy's classmate from NYC. (Troy is also a member of The Church and he goes to my ward.) She and I were both surprised and introduced everyone. I was shocked and confused thinking somehow someone knew someone else-but no. By the end I discovered that Pablo, a music exchange student from Madrid, had only asked Clasrisi if the music was samba. And recognizing his accent asked him where he was from, and told him we were american. To which he told her he was here with an american, and promptly produced Lisa. Such a small world. Or as Elvis said "the world is a peanut."
The End

falicidade e solidão (happiness and loneliness)

Today started out beautifully. I woke up early on my own at 8:30 and was happy and alert, not feeling the least big groggy. The sun was shining the birds were singing, I should smell fresh toast coming from the kitchen. Yeah this might be a bit corny but the song oh what a beautiful morning....came into my head and I said a small prayer thanking my Heavenly Father for this wonderful moment, and the promise of a beautiful day. I had a lil breakfast, had time to shower, dress nice. Went to class and was not overly bored or fatigued by the Portuguese. Maia and I then had lunch with some of the girls at this nice Indian restaurant, where we went with Fabrisio before. Then home, and headed for the park intending to work.

There I found Tiago, a friend of Ana's. I sat and we talked for a long time. Then a man from a news channel came and wanted us to respond to two questions. "O que e falicidade?" e "O que e solidão?" What is happiness/felicity? and What is solitude/loneliness/isolation? Well I wasn't so sure about responding in front of a camera but I thought out my answer and even rehearsed it to make sure the words were right, and went for it. The man said that it would be aired on a program on chanal 6 net, 12:30-3am Friday night/Saturday morning.
How cool is that? Well I more or less said in Portuguese, that happiness is an object that I will always be trying to achieve my entire life. and when I reach it I will be completely content with my family my life, what I have done in my life... Yet also I can have happiness every day, in every moment. because I can be confident that I will someday reach that pure complete happiness, and I can be content with my progress thus far. Loneliness is feeling alone, feeling like I will never arrive at happiness and never have a full happiness in my life, and feeling like a failure.

one of my favorites

anyone lived in a pretty how town
by E. E. Cummings

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

In 10th grade we read this in Mr. Taylors english class. I remember he had us act out teh entire poem and it went something like this. Underneith Mr. Taylors desk, Christine Lam, and already sof spoken girl, read the lines in parenthasis. On the revolving stool, on top of a desk, I sat narrating, with leg outstreached. Mr. Taylor, blindfolded, holding my leg, walked around in a circle, representing the blinded donkey tethered to the post, and turning the wheel of time. The reainder of the class was devided into the four corners of the room. Each corner was responsible for reading two words as they came up: spring and rain, summer and sun, winter and stars, autumn and stars. Adding to the feeling of the change in time. As I read and came upon the secon last stanza, my voice grew as we reached the creshedo:

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes!!!

goodbye kisses

Here in Brasil as in many other places outside of US we give a kiss on the cheek to greet, meet, and farewell. Its a process, when you first meet you can give two or three kisses depending on where your from. And after you have me them, it's one kiss and maybe a warm hug. And if you want to be less welcoming and more cold you can give a kiss to match you intent. You can just brush cheeks, and give the smooch in the air, or you can even hold you cheek apart not even touching, you can dissengage early, or give a realy big smack on the cheek.

my life is a process of cast and reel

Fishing:
...the line has been cast and you watch the wind play with the tree tops, or listen to the call of the birds, watch the water bugs walk on the water....waiting for the fish to take the bate.


My life:
I go through these periods when i mindlessly go through life, let the mess pile up, let the schedule book go un checked, let the to do lists undone, no thought or reflection on what i am doing. just go, eat when i think of it, sleep when i am exhausted, wake up when i wake up, leave the house when i feel like it, scribble in my journal, play around with drawing, read a bit, walk around the city, sit on my bench and watch people pass by. And all the while I am living, ready for whatever will come my way but not thinking about it, not expecting anyhting in particular, just letting it come, letting life carry my on.

Fishing:
Then something tuggs on your line calling all of your thought and energy on reeling it in, you cant quite see the fish but you can feel how big it will be by the tension on the line......and its gonna be a big one.

My Life:
There inevitable come times that force me to evaluate where I am going, what I am doing, collect my thoughts, reflect on my pregress and process. Where am i going and how can i prepare for the next step. Where do I want to go and how can i get there. I fill in the gapping hole in my calander, i fill the empt pages of my journal, i write the letters that went unwritten, i tak the time to buy my groceries and cook a meal, sit and eat with a fork in one hand and a book in the other, taking every moment possible to make some progress, refelct, collect, gathe organize my thoughts. A frenzy of effort and energy, a short outburst that is sure to calm eventually, but not yet, i have to keep on swimming.

Fishing:
Finally the fish has been reeled in and its not quite as big as I expected, so I let the fish back into the water, feeling his scales brush along my hand as he swims away. Or perhaps I did not catch the fish, he got away, so I reel in my slack line, and cast it out again.

My life:
Sometimes the anticipated day comes and depending on how well I am prepared for it, it goes more or less as it ought to. Sometimes the anticipated day was not nearly the hype I made it out to be, it was not necessary to go through the frenzy, or perhps just not worth it. So with plans set and do lists made, calander full, im ready to move on continue and let the proces start all over again....

so tired

So my prof arrived yesterday. that was quite exciting and yet hectic. I have not quite been doing the amount of work I should have been doing and I was trying to catch up this past week and compensate a little. In the end I grasped for some staws and got lucky. I hit on some key ideas and just in the knick of time I formulated some solid ideas about where my project is headed and how to define "community" a loaded word. so what does community mean to you? I have broken community down into four layers or filters or scales, call it what you will, categories. All of the above.
Thses catefories come directly from Joseph Myers book: The search to Belong, which in turn, he took from Edward Hall's four categories of communication. So its been passed along from communication to belonging, to community. But hey it works for me. nough for now, fill in the details latter, getting tired, i have yet to reach some conclusions for this project of mine. its decision time.